the way I am

It's called schizo-affective disorder, and it's not supposed to happen to people like me. I'm intelligent, I come from a good family, I brush my teeth every day. But something's not working right. My brain's sending messages to my eyes that people are in the same room with me when physically, they aren't. My ears hear voices and music and sounds when in reality, there is silence. This is not the sort of thing you wanna brag about.

But it's the truth for me; it's where I'm at and what I'm living with now. And as much as it sucks and I wish it were different, I'm learning to accept this as it is. I don't believe any good can ever come from shame, which is why I refuse to let it rule my life. I will not be broken by the fear of what other people may think of me. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by amazing people- my parents, brother, finace, friends, church, doctors, and extended family are nothing but supportive, loving, and compassionate. I live because of the love of those around me.

This is so hard. I wake up every day and I struggle with whether or not I'm gonna be pissed off about it. Most of the time I make jokes and can laugh at myself and my crazy mind, but sometimes, it's not funny. Sometimes it scares the hell out of me. Sometimes it's sad and never do I think it makes the least bit of sense. But it is what it is, and it is my life. I believe with all that I am that God can make all things good, even a little mental illness. Do I feel mentally ill all the time? No way. Ninety percent of the time, it doesn't even show itself. But then I get the flu and end up in the hospital with all the other crazy people and I'm reminded that this is not a dream.

I'm okay with it, though. I wrestle, I fight, I cry, I throw my hands up and curse my luck, but I'm really okay. I take my pills and I close my eyes and thank God for giving me a sense of humor and a family who knows how to laugh.