5 loves

This is a gorgeous album, one of the best I've ever heard. Adele's voice is pure heaven and I cannot stop listening to it. I've got my fingers crossed that we might use her exquisite cover of Lovesong in our wedding...

I'm really loving the sushi from Ichiban, a new Japanese restaurant in Florence. Michael and I went there on Sunday and I am already craving it again. The price is very affordable- we were both stuffed for less than $25. We're making plans to go there again soon!

Speaking of Michael, we're going through a pre-marital counseling class with our friends Terry & DeeAnn, a couple from our church who've been married for 35 years. We love them! They have us reading a great book about communication, called "Now You're Speaking My Language". It was written by Gary Chapman, who also wrote the popular book, "The Five Love Languages". We're having a great time meeting with Terry & DeeAnn, going through the book, and doing the homework. It's really preparing us for marriage in a lot of ways...

I'm also reading another book, called "Reaching for the Invisible God", which is BRILLIANT, not to mention life-changing. Philip Yancey is a beautiful writer whose books tend to be on the vulnerable side...something I really gravitate toward. For anyone who has struggles making sense of what it means to believe in an invisible God, I strongly recommend this.

Finally, this is the decor inspiration for our wedding! We have a little bit of a circus theme, which I know is unconventional and maybe even a little weird, but Michael and I both really love it. These will be incorporated in both the ceremony and reception decorations.

livin' on a prayer

I've devoted the last couple of days to wedding planning- specifically, the budget, or as I like to call it, the black devil looming over us all. I'm okay with being young, broke, and in love, I really am. But love doesn't pay the bills, and weddings- no matter how simple- are never cheap.

Michael and I are lucky enough to be getting help from our families, which is the only thing that makes our wedding even possible. Without their help, we'd be heading to the courthouse...which, at this point, kinda sounds like a good idea. But I'm not getting married without my beautiful dream dress and that fabulous cake...so we might as well go through with the rest of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still excited about all the little details...like the gorgeous dresses that are being made for my bridesmaids. (We're getting them in Corona Blue, Peacock Blue, and Plum) And the one I've designed with a friend of mine, who's been making wedding dresses for 25 years. I would post pictures here, but I want my groom to be wholly surprised come wedding day. But I can say that this dress is gonna turn some heads, for sure. And it's me. It's SO me. :)

At the end of the day, this budget stuff really doesn't matter. All that matters is that we finally get to be married, have a party, and celebrate with the people who love us the most. And all of that makes all of this worth it.

twenty-nine

 My birthday was yesterday, and I am now twenty-nine years old. I am totally not prepared for this. Didn't I just turn 19? I could swear that I did. I was in college at the time- Portland Bible College, and I went for dinner with a huge group of friends at the Old Spaghetti Factory. Somebody brought me flowers. It doesn't seem like ten years could go by so fast, but I guess they did. I digress.

Yesterday was wonderful; Michael and I went to Eugene (where we plan on moving a year or two after we get married) and went shopping. He bought me little gifts as we went along, which he somehow managed to keep hidden from me the whole time. Not to sound greedy or anything, but I just have to say that I am very fortunate that I found someone who loves giving gifts. Unlike myself, Michael is extremely thorough in everything he does, and buying presents is no exception.

This year he also gave me a) a card which b) he wrote in. When I opened the card, I joked that my birthday wish had come true, but I wasn't really kidding. As much as I love presents (and really, who doesn't?) I love expressions of gratitude, affirmation, and love even more. You might say that this makes me needy, and I would not argue with that. I need all that stuff to feel loved, so it means a lot to me when my significant other reaches outside of his comfort zone and opens up in a way that I know is difficult for him. Don't get me wrong- Michael is verbally very encouraging and complimentary all the time. But he hates writing with a passion, so getting that card from him was the best gift I could have received :)

After our big trip to Eugene, we came home to have dinner with my parents, Aunt and Uncle, Grandma, and our friends Ty and Lisa (along with their two precious kids). My Mom set up an awesome taco bar, and then we all had the most amazing cupcakes ever! She has severe food allergies and can't eat (among other things) dairy, soy, or gluten. Freakin' nightmare, is what it is. But we had special red velvet cupcakes and coconut cupcakes and even the frosting was allergy-free. Her recipes came from a book, but still. How they tasted so good, I will never know...

After dessert, I opened presents. My family is so sweet and so generous, and I am truly blessed by everything they gave me.

After I opened gifts, we all played a great game called "Farkle", which is a dice game. I even won! The whole day, from start to finish, was absolutely wonderful. I am so blessed to have such a great family, generous friends, and a loving, caring partner.

cake and pictures

Michael and I had the greatest day on Wednesday. We met with our cake designer Q (yes, that's her real name) at Sweet Life. Our plan is to have a two-tiered cake for the wedding party, with two or three sheet cakes for feeding our guests. The flavors we're leaning towards are coconut cake with strawberry mousse or a lemon poppyseed cake with white chocolate ginger mousse. There will also be one or two other flavors on our sheet cakes, but we haven't decided anything yet.

Our inspiration is this topsy-turvy cake.

Some other fun cakes we like are these:

  

After our cake tasting, we went to Portland and had our engagement pictures taken by Rosemary Ragusa. My brother works for her, and it was fun having him at our photo shoot. We went to the Crystal Springs Rhododendron Garden, and it was gorgeous and sunny out- a perfect day for taking pictures. Our photos should be ready in a couple of weeks, and I'm really excited to see them.

sweet things

It amazes me how much of this wedding is coming together so easily. Thanks to my brother, who works for a professional photographer up in Portland, all of our photography (including engagement photos) is going to cost us nothing. My dress is being made by a costume designer who is making it for me just for the cost of the fabric. So I get to design my own wedding dress! Our families are helping us out with even more, and we could not be more grateful. The past year has been particularly difficult because I haven't been able to work, and I can't tell you how frustrating it is to want to be able to work and save for my own wedding and not even have the option. But God has been so good to us!

This Wednesday, we're going to Sweet Life to taste wedding cake. Isn't this so stinking cute?! Ours will be in our colors (peacock blue, purple, and turquoise) and with little feathers coming out the top. I'm clearly obsessed with peacocks right now, but I have been for awhile, so I think it will represent this time in our lives pretty well. After cake tasting, we're heading up to Portland for our engagement photos with Rosemary Ragusa

I bought my adorable wedding shoes, the peacock feathers for our centerpieces, and some other fun wedding stuff this week. I also met with Judy the florist and talked feathers and flowers- so fun! And thanks to my gorgeous Maid of Honor, Lisa Georgiades, I have this fabulous headpiece...I'm so excited :)

the way I am

It's called schizo-affective disorder, and it's not supposed to happen to people like me. I'm intelligent, I come from a good family, I brush my teeth every day. But something's not working right. My brain's sending messages to my eyes that people are in the same room with me when physically, they aren't. My ears hear voices and music and sounds when in reality, there is silence. This is not the sort of thing you wanna brag about.

But it's the truth for me; it's where I'm at and what I'm living with now. And as much as it sucks and I wish it were different, I'm learning to accept this as it is. I don't believe any good can ever come from shame, which is why I refuse to let it rule my life. I will not be broken by the fear of what other people may think of me. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by amazing people- my parents, brother, finace, friends, church, doctors, and extended family are nothing but supportive, loving, and compassionate. I live because of the love of those around me.

This is so hard. I wake up every day and I struggle with whether or not I'm gonna be pissed off about it. Most of the time I make jokes and can laugh at myself and my crazy mind, but sometimes, it's not funny. Sometimes it scares the hell out of me. Sometimes it's sad and never do I think it makes the least bit of sense. But it is what it is, and it is my life. I believe with all that I am that God can make all things good, even a little mental illness. Do I feel mentally ill all the time? No way. Ninety percent of the time, it doesn't even show itself. But then I get the flu and end up in the hospital with all the other crazy people and I'm reminded that this is not a dream.

I'm okay with it, though. I wrestle, I fight, I cry, I throw my hands up and curse my luck, but I'm really okay. I take my pills and I close my eyes and thank God for giving me a sense of humor and a family who knows how to laugh.

the good wife

 
When a friend of mine recommended that I read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, I have to admit that I was a little skeptical. What kind of a title is THAT, I wondered. But this friend of mine is a very reasonable, well-balanced, smart woman who has been married almost ten years. So I started reading it last night.

I just finished. What a refreshing collection of advice! I'm not a wife yet, but as I prepare myself to move into that role soon, I will openly admit that I am scared to death. What if I suck? What if I'm a crappy wife and my poor soon-to-be husband is stuck with me for the next 70 years? I wouldn't know what to do with my horrible self. So I'm trying to learn as much as I can and gather the best advice possible for this next great adventure.

I don't want to re-hash the entire book, but I can say that the main message is this: there is a double standard that says a woman can be selfish, inconsiderate, manipulative, disrespectful, and flat-out cruel to a man and he needs to just stand there and take it. Meanwhile, men have to cater to every emotional whim, mood swing, irrational fear, and unreasonable expectation of a woman, lest they be judged an insensitive jerk. You can see why Dr. Laura isn't exactly popular with the pop-psychology of the feminist movement.

But I think she's absolutely right. There is definitely a double standard and it's not one that I want in my relationship or in our marriage. I want to appreciate my fiance for his masculinity and celebrate our differences, instead of trying to turn him into a neutered puppy. I don't want a girlfriend, I want a husband, and I need to remember that when I'm trying to get him to talk for six hours about his feelings.

I'm grateful that my friend gave me this book, and I already feel better about this whole wife-business. Men are not that complicated- and they certainly aren't as complicated as women.