cake and pictures

Michael and I had the greatest day on Wednesday. We met with our cake designer Q (yes, that's her real name) at Sweet Life. Our plan is to have a two-tiered cake for the wedding party, with two or three sheet cakes for feeding our guests. The flavors we're leaning towards are coconut cake with strawberry mousse or a lemon poppyseed cake with white chocolate ginger mousse. There will also be one or two other flavors on our sheet cakes, but we haven't decided anything yet.

Our inspiration is this topsy-turvy cake.

Some other fun cakes we like are these:

  

After our cake tasting, we went to Portland and had our engagement pictures taken by Rosemary Ragusa. My brother works for her, and it was fun having him at our photo shoot. We went to the Crystal Springs Rhododendron Garden, and it was gorgeous and sunny out- a perfect day for taking pictures. Our photos should be ready in a couple of weeks, and I'm really excited to see them.

sweet things

It amazes me how much of this wedding is coming together so easily. Thanks to my brother, who works for a professional photographer up in Portland, all of our photography (including engagement photos) is going to cost us nothing. My dress is being made by a costume designer who is making it for me just for the cost of the fabric. So I get to design my own wedding dress! Our families are helping us out with even more, and we could not be more grateful. The past year has been particularly difficult because I haven't been able to work, and I can't tell you how frustrating it is to want to be able to work and save for my own wedding and not even have the option. But God has been so good to us!

This Wednesday, we're going to Sweet Life to taste wedding cake. Isn't this so stinking cute?! Ours will be in our colors (peacock blue, purple, and turquoise) and with little feathers coming out the top. I'm clearly obsessed with peacocks right now, but I have been for awhile, so I think it will represent this time in our lives pretty well. After cake tasting, we're heading up to Portland for our engagement photos with Rosemary Ragusa

I bought my adorable wedding shoes, the peacock feathers for our centerpieces, and some other fun wedding stuff this week. I also met with Judy the florist and talked feathers and flowers- so fun! And thanks to my gorgeous Maid of Honor, Lisa Georgiades, I have this fabulous headpiece...I'm so excited :)

the way I am

It's called schizo-affective disorder, and it's not supposed to happen to people like me. I'm intelligent, I come from a good family, I brush my teeth every day. But something's not working right. My brain's sending messages to my eyes that people are in the same room with me when physically, they aren't. My ears hear voices and music and sounds when in reality, there is silence. This is not the sort of thing you wanna brag about.

But it's the truth for me; it's where I'm at and what I'm living with now. And as much as it sucks and I wish it were different, I'm learning to accept this as it is. I don't believe any good can ever come from shame, which is why I refuse to let it rule my life. I will not be broken by the fear of what other people may think of me. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by amazing people- my parents, brother, finace, friends, church, doctors, and extended family are nothing but supportive, loving, and compassionate. I live because of the love of those around me.

This is so hard. I wake up every day and I struggle with whether or not I'm gonna be pissed off about it. Most of the time I make jokes and can laugh at myself and my crazy mind, but sometimes, it's not funny. Sometimes it scares the hell out of me. Sometimes it's sad and never do I think it makes the least bit of sense. But it is what it is, and it is my life. I believe with all that I am that God can make all things good, even a little mental illness. Do I feel mentally ill all the time? No way. Ninety percent of the time, it doesn't even show itself. But then I get the flu and end up in the hospital with all the other crazy people and I'm reminded that this is not a dream.

I'm okay with it, though. I wrestle, I fight, I cry, I throw my hands up and curse my luck, but I'm really okay. I take my pills and I close my eyes and thank God for giving me a sense of humor and a family who knows how to laugh.

the good wife

 
When a friend of mine recommended that I read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, I have to admit that I was a little skeptical. What kind of a title is THAT, I wondered. But this friend of mine is a very reasonable, well-balanced, smart woman who has been married almost ten years. So I started reading it last night.

I just finished. What a refreshing collection of advice! I'm not a wife yet, but as I prepare myself to move into that role soon, I will openly admit that I am scared to death. What if I suck? What if I'm a crappy wife and my poor soon-to-be husband is stuck with me for the next 70 years? I wouldn't know what to do with my horrible self. So I'm trying to learn as much as I can and gather the best advice possible for this next great adventure.

I don't want to re-hash the entire book, but I can say that the main message is this: there is a double standard that says a woman can be selfish, inconsiderate, manipulative, disrespectful, and flat-out cruel to a man and he needs to just stand there and take it. Meanwhile, men have to cater to every emotional whim, mood swing, irrational fear, and unreasonable expectation of a woman, lest they be judged an insensitive jerk. You can see why Dr. Laura isn't exactly popular with the pop-psychology of the feminist movement.

But I think she's absolutely right. There is definitely a double standard and it's not one that I want in my relationship or in our marriage. I want to appreciate my fiance for his masculinity and celebrate our differences, instead of trying to turn him into a neutered puppy. I don't want a girlfriend, I want a husband, and I need to remember that when I'm trying to get him to talk for six hours about his feelings.

I'm grateful that my friend gave me this book, and I already feel better about this whole wife-business. Men are not that complicated- and they certainly aren't as complicated as women.

resolve

I think resolutions are a generally good idea. I'm not sure if, by making them, I'm setting myself up for disaster, but I'd like to think not. I'm a bit more optimistic than that. I love writing, and half of my blogs are about how much I dig it and how I really need to do it more. Kind of a sad commentary, but it is what it is. 2010 was a particularly rough year for me, and I'm quite hopeful that 2011 is gonna be a hell of a lot better. I'm getting married! This is big news for a hopeless romantic like me, and I'd like to have a way to chronicle some of the excitement so that I can look back on it with fond reminiscence. There are other things, too, that deserve to be remembered- books, conversations, dinners, experiences, adventures, lessons. So with that in mind, I'm resolving once and for all, to write.